GRIEF

After a seven week hiatus due to inclement weather (as in a blizzard every few days, snow, snow and more snow during february and march) I finally made my therapy appointment. Nothing prepared me for the emotional impact that Shirley is gone. It is very tough. She was like three different people. The 'out of control' schizophrenic shirley (bad, bad, very bad), the good Shirley, beautiful, talented, funny, everybody liked her, she had a lot of friends....and then there was the 'medicated Shirley.' For seven years she was on Stelazine, an anti-psychotic med. Completely different than the previous two. No anger, no paranoia, some middle zone - when I lived in California she was taking the meds. We talked on the phone and wrote letters - I have stacks of her letters in purple ink + purple envelopes. It was possible to have a relationship with her - she said a lot of things to me then that I now realize was the best of Shirley. So.......the Grief....my therapist says we grieve in pieces...it is a process....I have complicated grief - we had a complicated relationship.