MOTHER'S DAY, MICHAEL, MEMORIES

May 10th was Michael's yahrtzeit. Three years since he's been gone. I miss him. Today is barry's birthday. Michael was a big brother to barry when we lived in Cambridge. Tomorrow is mother's day. All the fun stuff comes in bunches.:)

My mother told the manager of her apartment building "I was rotten to my kids." I was having lunch with Robin DeStefano at Zaftigs Deli in Brookline a week after Shirley died. When she said that, I had to put the fork down. That was a first. I never expected to hear that from a total stranger. Well, I felt much better - no need to pretend everything was fine after that.

I realized much later Shirley was like The Three Faces of Eve. I can never watch that movie again having lived through it once. Yes, there were three Shirleys. The Good Shirley, the Bad Shirley, and the Medicated Shirley. The Good Shirley was fabulous. Pretty, fun, funny, and she sang along with the radio. The neighbor next door in Dorchester thought it was the radio when it was Shirley. We both liked to sing folk songs, Joan Baez, Judy Collins although her taste was also Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole. She turned into a completely different person when angry - it was terrifying.The Medicated Shirley was nicer. While taking the anti-psychotic drug Stelazine, we were talking on the phone when I lived in Berkeley. I confronted her about her abusive behavior towards me when I was a little girl in Dorchester. Imagine my shock when she calmly said "I know. I am sorry. Do you forgive me ?" On Stelazine, she appeared very calm. Slow. No highs, no lows, a middle ground. This was the Medicated Shirley.

The above photo was taken in the kitchen on Lillian Road. She had just gotten out of Westwood Lodge after a suicide attempt and looked terrific. Somewhere there is a photo of me at the table looking like death warmed over. That was a pattern that repeated many times. I was the one who got the call.

Irregardless of all of the above, she did a really good job in designing that kitchen in Malden. The appliances, the cabinets were light blue, her favorite color. She had a custom made wrought iron kitchen table with light blue, booth seating. It was comfortable and looked great. She had a good eye. She was busy reading Vogue, Harper's Bazaar and Town and Country while living in Dorchester.

Here is Barry, age around 10 with a smile on his face while he offered me a taste of Shirley's famous and delicious spaghetti sauce. She made that from scratch and it was her best dish. The smile and expression on Barry's face is the last time he looked like that, before he had to go and live with his father, Julius Silverman in Malden after the most destructive and terrifying phase of living with Shirley alone in that house when they separated. He is lucky to be alive.

After writing the above sentence, I could hear Roby's voice in my ear: "..I hated to leave your mother in that house alone with them..." referring to Boby and Zaidy when he left to go in the army I think. He said that to me. So history does repeat itself.